Thursday, January 28, 2010

Previews that show the entire movie

The latest example of this was Blind Side. I know what you're thinking - what's a stallion like you doing watching Blind Side? I was at the harem and the ladies were exhausted from you-know-whating and they basically forced me to watch it. I was fine with the whole scenario because I'm a sensitive guy and have been a fan of Sandy's work ever since Demolition Man. Blind Side is kind of a Good Will Hunting meets Finding Forrester with some White Shadow and Nine to Five thrown in for good measure. Let's just say I could appreciate what the kids were trying to do. A couple weeks later, I'm giving my Bowflex the whatfor and watching a little tube, when what comes on? That's right: Tabatha's Salon Makover. Right? Right? I'm loving this platinum dynamo with her take-no-shit attitude. During a commercial intermission, the trailer to Blind Side comes on:

That is not a preview, that is a description of the entire movie start to finish. Normal family in a big-ass house, hot mom, perfect family portrait − Touching piano kicks in as we see a black kid walking in the ghetto, and not just a normal awesome ghetto we're talking extreme dilapidation − He looks real sad but he's also really big − A few roughnecks from around-the-way eyeball him − He enrolls in an all-white school where all the whiteys are freaked out, especially little ones on swings − His name is Big Mike − A freakishly mature and quirky kid with an Owen Meany vibe is the first to recognize his bodacious heart − Mom from the huge house sees him walking home at night, he's freezing, where's home? there is no home, everyone's gotta have a home, boom you're staying in my mansion − Mom's a firecracker − Redbird husband is concerned because a 6'10" 350 lb black dude is sleeping on his couch − They give him his first bed − Cut back to hood where white mom bravely meets real mom who is a total wastoid and you wonder if that's racist or not but you keep watching − Meanwhile, Big Mike is missing − Roughnecks are bustin spades and acting scary but they don't know where he is − Hot mom shows ass and sass that would get her shot or worse in the real hood − She finds Big Mike in a laundromat, they reunite − Big Mike starts wearing rugby shirts, studying and smiling more − Then he takes up football − Guess what? he's awesome at it − Some touching scenes with the freakshow little kid − They win the championship thanks to Big Mike − Whiteys at school love him and shower him with high-fives because he's good at sports − The husband even comes around − Most importantly, Big Mike has changed the mom's life − He goes to college − She drives away happy and fulfilled from the most meaningful experience of her life.

What did they leave out of the trailer? Big Mike had to go to the bathroom at some point. Why bother buying a ticket?


  1. How has nobody posted a comment about how hilarious this is yet? I can't stop laughing.