Monday, April 1, 2013


Listen, just because you're a wine expert it doesn't mean you're better than everybody else, with those shawl collars, perfectly coiffed hair and brass monocles that probably don’t even have a prescription. Whoopty friggen doo, you know the difference between an Einzellage and a Grosslage. Let’s all just stop what we’re doing and bow down to the Kings of Swankytown. Just because you know which represents a higher level of quality between the Vin de Table and Vid de Pays doesn’t mean your shit don’t stink, Smug Flutie. Why don’t I show you my shock face as you tell me that a “Smaragd” is a specialty wine from the lower Wauchau region of Austria made from only the ripest grapes. Holy Mother Mabel, what a genius! How about I just get on my knees and kiss your white-gloved hand so I can tell all my friends what it’s like to taste greatness? Oh, you don’t want me to? Well I guess I’m just a big skin-sack of pond scum trying to pass myself off as a human being then. Excuse me for living, Mr. Don’t-Look-At-Me-While-You’re-Ghetto-Stomping-Your-Way-To-Coach. Let me know how handy all those fruity tannins and lingering finishes are when you need to change a flat tire on your Range Rover, Mr. Snooty McFucklesticks!