tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62964817368164563412024-02-19T18:31:11.685-08:00This Guy's Pet PeevesA simple guy's blog about simple observations in a simple world, simply put.This Guyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15932107669312900533noreply@blogger.comBlogger125125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6296481736816456341.post-59385160504534814172019-11-15T16:30:00.000-08:002019-11-15T16:30:06.999-08:00CALLING PEOPLE HUMANS
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Let’s calm down with all this calling each other humans. The first 10,000 times it was chill and fresh and hot fire in a cold banana biscuit as the saying goes, but enough is enough. Oh gosh, it just occurred to me you may not know what the hell I’m talking about. Let’s get you up to speed. I’ve noticed an alarming trend of people saying shit like, “just shared another incredible meal with these amazing humans.” 2 for 1 pints of Barf Ale over at Barf O’Ramas if you ask me. You guys are my favorite humans and I appreciate you reading my blog. Gross. Barf bibs now for sale down at the Barf Barn!</div>
<br />This Guyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15932107669312900533noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6296481736816456341.post-82723818467332154812018-12-05T17:17:00.001-08:002018-12-05T17:19:42.781-08:00PEOPLE WHO WEAR THEIR WATCH FACE ON THE INSIDE OF THEIR WRIST<style type="text/css">
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Are you a world-class distance runner who needs to check your splits in perfect stride to avoid the poor aerodynamics of a wrist twist? No, you’re not? You’re just a world-class douchenozzle? Got it. Hold up. Are you a pediatric surgeon who depends on unobstructed views of your stopwatch so you can perform miracles on a child’s still-beating heart? Wrong again? You’re just a self-deluded bungweasel in a shawl-collared sweater? Wait a second, what’s that on your other wrist? Is that, no, it can’t be. Is that a Livestrong bracelet? Oh sweet mother mercy. What's that? Speak up, you’re mumbling. You think Lance Armstrong has done enough to redeem himself? Oh man, this just keeps getting better and better. What a sweet piece of work you turned out to be. And here I thought you were out there saving kids and running marathons. I was way off.</span></div>
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This Guyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15932107669312900533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6296481736816456341.post-13780003644845239152017-10-27T15:19:00.002-07:002017-10-27T15:19:47.487-07:00SWEATSHIRTS FOR $188
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This sweatshirt is $188. </div>
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Take a moment with that information. A sweatshirt. $188. That’s 28 Chipotle burritos. It’s 83.5 off-peak bus trips, not that you’d want to take the bus, because gross, but you get what I’m saying. If you had a dollar, you'd need 187 more to purchase that sweatshirt. It's a shirt that you get so you can sweat in it. If you buy it, you’re gonna need it because you’ll be sweating the gas bill so hard. Ha, nailed it.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>Check out this sweet puppy you can get at the ‘mart:</div>
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Boom, mothereffers! $5.96. It was $6.94, but the folks at the ‘mart, were like, naaaa, too high, lower it. Okay, how about $6.49? Goddamnit, Lawrence, I said lower it. If you bought a sweatshirt for $188 I want you to put it on, get in front of a mirror, take a deep breath, and whisper these words: “You suck, bro.” Then I want you to take the sweatshirt off and give yourself a titty twister until you have enough tears to fill a shot glass. Then I want you to do a shot of your own shame tears. Do these things and I will allow you to continue wearing the sweatshirt you bought for $188. </div>
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This Guyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15932107669312900533noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6296481736816456341.post-36425411260733540332016-12-23T09:33:00.003-08:002016-12-23T09:41:15.163-08:00ALL OF THE OTHER REINDEER<br />
Is it me or did all of the other reindeer seem like colossal assholes? There they were in their ivory towers laughing and calling poor Rudolph names. Why? Because he was a little different. And one thing assholes can't stand is anything different. It makes them uncomfortable, conjures up feelings of inadequacy, makes them feel like if they let this stand, the floodgates will bust wide open. Before long their perfect little whitewashed lives will come crumbling down. Pancake houses will get converted into mosques, lollipops will be taken out of kid's hands and replaced with dirty needles and teeners of cocaine, actual jazz played by actual black people will drown out the Biebers, Perrys, and Grandes of the holly jolly world. Oh the horror. <br />
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What were these names they called poor Rudolph anyway? I venture to guess they were of the low hanging fruit variety that people of inferior imagination naturally reach for: <i>freak, hippie, queer, stupidface, dicknose, gingernozzle</i>, all of the standards.<br />
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And who are they to talk with names like Dasher and Dancer, Prancer and Vixen? Seems pretty obvious that Prancer is repressing a multitude of sexual and emotional desires, terrified to be his true self, living in constant fear of his neo-nazi neanderthal of a father breaking out the belt. Do reindeer wear belts? Prancer's dad does. And it's only a matter of time before Vixen starts dancing on The North Pole just to scrape together enough Santabucks for her daily fifth of syrup and carton of candy cigarettes.<br />
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Yet Rudolph continues to take the high road. He does his job, he guides the team, yearning for the day he can retire to a white sandy beach in Hawaii. We can only hope he doesn't snap one of these foggy nights and drive that sleigh right into the ground.
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This Guyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15932107669312900533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6296481736816456341.post-54931408429105261422015-10-29T09:03:00.000-07:002015-12-03T15:30:19.146-08:00WAITERS WHO SAY "GUESS YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT, HUH?" AFTER YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY CLEANED THE PLATE<span style="color: #141414; font-family: 'helvetica neue', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">Listen, just because you see me at this Olive Garden every Monday,
Wednesday and Friday nights doesn’t mean we’re buddies, Rick. I appreciate your
little witticisms about as much as I appreciate you not remembering to refill
my coke every six minutes like I requested. Yeah, you got me, I practically
licked the plate because I get a little insane when it comes to pasta in cream
sauce, what of it? At least me and my skeletons bust out of the closet doing
the Macarena. What are you hiding, Ricky? I don’t need you prancing over here
like some Prancy McPrancerson with your little flair and your little judgments
and your little jokes while I’ve got a raging case of the carb sweats. Yeah, I
am crying if you really must know. But make no mistake, those aren’t tears of
laughter from your clever little wisecracks, those are shame tears from eating
my ever-increasing weight in bread sticks. Goddamnit those things are good, of
course I’ll take another round. When are you guys getting a soft-serve machine?</span><br />
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This Guyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15932107669312900533noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6296481736816456341.post-36092912247799050602015-10-13T09:43:00.000-07:002015-12-03T15:28:05.642-08:00OFFCOURT BASKETBALL SHOES<style>
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</style><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;">Too bad sportswriters never rank players, because I would finally
get my comeuppance as one of the top five basketballateers of all-time. I can
run fast, jump like the dickens and score easier than Lou Ferrigno at Comic Con.
Here are my three biggest weapons: sky hook, sky hook, sky hook. Are you crying
because you just got served? Or are those tears of joy because getting served
inspires you? Either way, you just got served like a vegan at Coachella. Pick
your poison, Johnny Shortpants, because I’m gunning for you. And I don’t even
use holsters. When they say “Ball Don’t Lie” they’re talking about me because
I’m the truth. I’m dishing out a serum that’ll make you go cross-eyed faster
than Bill Clinton at a U.S. Open Women’s Doubles Final. My game is tighter than
Philippe Petit’s butthole in 1974. I can dribble with my left hand. I can
dribble with my right hand. I can dribble with both hands and the ref wouldn’t
even call it because he or she would be too scared. That’s right they have
female refs now. And one of them gave me her number, but all I did was text her
my junk because my game is just that nasty. You better strap on your jock,
because I dribble balls for a living. The triple threat position? That’s for
losers with championship rings in the single digits. I administer the quadruple
threat with extreme prejudice. But not in the racial sense because I voted for
Barack. Twice. Even though his jumper is wack. What’s the fourth threat?
Wouldn’t you like to know? It’s the death stare. Whoops, I let that slip. Just
like when I slip on shoes and sky hook over you like Brad Pitt in A River Runs
Through It. Damn right that doesn’t make sense because neither does my game. Speaking
of shoes, it offends my inner-baller that the Nike Corporation has failed to
endorse me. I wouldn’t sign anyway because they make basketball shoes for
offcourt. Ball ain’t for hallways or Sadie Hawkins dances. And it certainly
ain’t for video arcades or Home Depots. It’s for places like Rucker Park, Venice
Beach, Madison Square Garden and my cul de sac. That’s where I got my first greenlight
to dazzle. And this hot rod is ready to peel out once again.</span></span></span><br />
<br />This Guyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15932107669312900533noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6296481736816456341.post-35277130736797618872015-05-21T14:27:00.001-07:002015-05-21T14:32:58.887-07:00HAVING FAMILY OUTINGS INTERRUPTED BY BIKER GANG VIOLENCE<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Last Sunday, the fam and I headed out for our weekly tradition – great food and great times at our local Twin Peaks Restaurant in Waco, Texas. I can’t speak highly enough about this place. It has everything under the sun and even more for when the moon hangs high. For starters, the alpine theme is a total bullseye since we all love the outdoors. But that only scratches the surface. Healthy portions at a great value, tallboy beers for me, strawberry margs for the mrs and a professional waitstaff that ain't too shabby to look at – it all adds up to an outstanding customer experience. And the kids positively love those state-of-the-art flat screens so they can zone out to their favorite show – <i>Tattoo Nightmares Miami</i> on the Spike network.<br /><br />So there we were, having the time of our lives, knee-deep in the Peaks Sampler. For you greenhorns, that’s a savory assortment of fried pickles, buffalo tenders and mozzarella bites. Food so good your taste buds will get goosebumps. So, the kids are happy as clams, the wife is utterly content and I’m feeling a little tingly below the waist looking at those waitresses because they do that thing with the plaid shirts where they pull the front up through the neck so it creates a kind of makeshift bikini top that absolutely knocks my socks off. If I play my cards right, I bet I can walk out of this oasis with a doggie bag full of Blackened Chicken Quesadillas and perhaps even a phone number or two. You see, my wife and I have an open marriage. And by that I mean I’m open to talking to a few ladies on the side! But I digress. <br /><br />So, we’re all smiles and high-fives waiting for Mercedes to bring out our Smokehouse Burgers with the Gruyere Cheese and Slow-Roasted Cipollini Onions when what happens? Two extremely rough individuals spill out of the men’s restroom. A man with an impossibly bushy handlebar mustache has a guy with a flaming cobra tattoo in a headlock and he’s punching him in the face yelling, “I’m gonna fucking eat your soul you cocksucker motherfucker!” That is not the kind of language we allow Tucker and Tanner to use indoors. And we hadn’t even gotten our BBQ Pulled Pork Nachos with the Sriracha Sour Cream yet! <br /><br />So, another guy with a shaved head and a patch on his leather vest that says “Satan’s Spawn” pulls the handlebar mustache guy off and starts stabbing him with a skewer that I can only assume was used for the Poblano Chicken and Shrimp Kabobs with the Roasted Garlic Lime Butter Sauce. Like, full-on stabbing him. I don’t know if my wife has 100 cc’s of strawberry marg courage coursing through her veins at this point or what, but she gets up and starts yelling at them to "take this shit outside.” I knew it wasn’t a good idea because Satan’s Spawn yelled, “Shut up, bitch!” Now, that’s no way to talk to a lady. I was super-close to saying something, but the guy broke out one of those bats with the spikes on it. All I had was the cast iron skillet from my Red Curry Skirt Steak Fajitas, but I’d only taken a couple bites and it’s one of my top 5 favorite dishes at the Peak.<br /><br />So, Spawn starts clubbing this guy right on the face, chest and shoulders. The whole thing was so stressful it was making me a bit parched, but this didn’t seem like the best time to ask for a refill. Anyway, a cook from the back comes rushing in with a meat cleaver which he probably uses to chop up the Green Chile Pot Roast with Jalapeño Cream Gravy. He yells, “Blood for blood!” and starts hacking away at the guy’s leg until it resembles the Bread Pudding with Cinnamon Bourbon Sauce. <br /><br />Before we knew it, the manager rips off his name tag, yells “This is our turf, bitches!” and starts spraying the place with an AK-47. Everybody scatters as the battle spills into the parking lot. <br /><br />This is when my instincts take over. Without hesitation, I jump on top of Mercedes. I simply couldn’t live with myself if that precious angel got hit by a stray bullet. She made it out alive. But I’m no hero. I’m just a guy who’s more than a little annoyed by the entire situation.</span></span><br />
<br />This Guyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15932107669312900533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6296481736816456341.post-48345378611638398712015-04-17T13:12:00.003-07:002015-12-03T15:29:22.146-08:00ROBERT DURST<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It’s been a while since The Jinx finale aired and I, for
one, still have a blazing case of the heebie-jeebies. It was some of the
craziest shit I’ve ever seen on television, and this is coming from a guy who
watched every episode of </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Temptation Island.</i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">
Perhaps a quick exploration of some key learnings from the show might help
quiet the voices.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Don’t agree to do a
documentary if you’ve killed three people.</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">This is page two of The Psychopath’s Handbook, right after “wear
gloves.” Documentaries have gotten really adept at getting to the bottom of
stuff. I mean, have you seen Super Size Me? If you eat Mickey D’s for a month
straight, you’ll uhhh…get mild liver damage, okay bad example. Listen, if
you’re a racist owner of big-market basketball team, don’t have a black
girlfriend with above average audio recording skills. If you’re a psycho
killer, don’t invite a film crew in to hear your story. <span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">It’s bottom line
stuff, people</span>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Don’t steal a hoagie
when you’re on the lam.</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Sure, you’re feeling invincible because you’ve pulled off
the unthinkable, but this is no time for petty crimes. Looking for a quick
thrill? Drink expired milk or do that Mentos/Coke thing. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Don’t shave your
eyebrows when you’re trying to steal a hoagie. </span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">I like where his head was at with the drawing attention away
from the fact that you’re putting a hoagie in your pocket, but it’s a flawed
strategy. Remember the three rules of hoagie-stealing my father instilled in me:
blend in, blend in and blend in. I guess I just had a better father than Seymour
Durst.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Have a better father
than Seymour Durst.</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">‘Nough said.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Don’t eat grocery
store hoagies.</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">What are you, an animal? Eat Fresh or hit up a Jimmy Johns. I
recommend a #3 with extra cucumbers.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">When scoping your brother
for a possible 1-8-7, don’t go in all willy-nilly</b>. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">The dude owns half of Manhattan; you think he isn’t going to
have a few surveillance cameras? What did you think was going to happen? You’d
just shuffle up the stoop, see him through the window snorting caviar, open the
unlocked door and just do that voodoo that you do? Is that backpack even big
enough to carry a bow saw? Think it through, guy. And please don’t tell me
that’s your kill suit - a short-sleeve button-up tucked into jean shorts, white
tubers and some Skechers? You might as well be sporting a front-facing fanny
pack. Now this is a kill suit:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><img alt="" 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" /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">When you’re a psycho,
binge-watch Dexter.</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">But skip the finale. That was just ridiculous and not-at-all
informative for your endeavors.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Never trust a dude
who constantly refers to himself by his last name.</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Hey, Bob, Jarecki
here”</i> should’ve translated to “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hey
Bob, I’m going to win an Emmy exposing you for the die-hard whack job that you
really are.</i>” </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Keep a lid on it
until the lavalier mic has been properly removed by a professional.</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">I’m calling this The Biden Rule. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Don’t start burping
uncontrollably when you’ve been caught red-handed.</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">I don’t play much poker, but I believe this would be
referred to as a “tell.” I actually thought he was going to turn into a frog
and try to hop away. Instead of burping, just say “classic frame job” over and
over again until they move on.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Don’t kill three
people. </span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Probably the most important takeaway of entire show. One,
you’re an amateur. Three, you’re a sociopath. Two is the perfect amount of
people to kill. Holy crap, you’ve turned me into a monster, Bobby Durst. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div>
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<br /></div>
This Guyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15932107669312900533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6296481736816456341.post-52150765303360050532014-11-13T08:53:00.000-08:002014-11-13T09:16:58.294-08:00LOSING MYSELF TO DANCE<style>
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</style><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">Sometimes when I’m at Club Shimsham and I’m making a twerk or
doing a sick move of dance I get so immersed in my own drumbeat that I forget
who I really am. Am I still that innocent, great, lovable, handsome,
hilarious, chiseled guy from an upper-middle-class neighborhood in the heart of
Denver or am I a sad, lonely drifter from Topeka destined to work in the
sporting goods section of Walmart because I once scored a touchdown in JV
football so many years ago? I don’t even know. What I do know is I can feel the
rhythm of the beat from my head to my feet. Sure, I’m well aware that my
next-level moves are 100% grade-A infectious and inspiring to those around me,
but when I do a deeper dive, I’m wondering if I’m still that lovable, black
cruise ship bartender with a million dollar smile and a ten million dollar
mustache. </span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">Is he lost forever? </span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">Is he still in there? Sure hope so. But for now,
I guess I’ll just keep on dancing because it feels hella good.</span></span><br />
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This Guyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15932107669312900533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6296481736816456341.post-2398792184757991572014-11-10T09:07:00.001-08:002014-11-10T10:51:33.832-08:00DUDES READING IN BARS<style>
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</style><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">When I fulfill my destiny as the benevolent
dictator I was born to be, one of my first action items will be to make it punishable by death for dudes to read in bars. Let me amend that: dudes reading
literature in bars. If a guy is posted up, sipping a whiskey or macro tallboy
and destroying a Lee Child, all cool. Magazines and newspapers are fine. Pamphlets are allowed although not recommended because that’s likely personal
business that don’t nobody else need to know about. And the ladies can read
whatever they want. There’s something hot and mysterious and French about a
young lady at a bar solo reading Love in the Time of Cholera. And children can
obviously read whatever they want although they should not be at bars by
themselves. And certain dudes who can pull it off can read literature from a
pre-approved list I will provide once I take office. And punishable by
death is a little strong. Punishable by atomic wedgie. Basically, I once saw a
guy at a bar wearing a flat cap and reading Faulkner’s <i>As I Lay Dying</i> and I
wanted to give him an atomic wedgie.</span></span><br />
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This Guyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15932107669312900533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6296481736816456341.post-65757367829356261162014-11-06T10:06:00.001-08:002014-11-06T10:06:37.618-08:00PUBLIC SOCIAL NETWORKING DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Love
is a many splendored feeling, but not on facebook. When someone writes mushy
junk on their significant other’s wall it makes me want to take off all my
clothes and jump into a hot pit of lava. When you do this, you’re not really
telling your honey boo boo that she’s the world’s biggest snugglebum, you’re
telling the world that you’re the world’s biggest dingleberry. Let’s keep the
pillow talk for places with pillows. And maybe the occasional “you smell like a
wet puppy” as you hold the door for them. They love that shit.</span></span></div>
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This Guyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15932107669312900533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6296481736816456341.post-28986440482105264762014-11-05T10:58:00.001-08:002014-11-05T10:58:46.630-08:00DUDE ON DUDE LOL ACTION
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span>DUDE1: Hey dude, what’s up?</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span>DUDE2: Just chillin’ LOL</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span>DUDE1: Why are you LOL’ing?</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span>DUDE2: Ha, what’s good with you?</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span>DUDE1: You know, this and that.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span>DUDE1: That wasn’t really a joke. Just kind of a
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span>DUDE2: LMAO</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span>DUDE1: Like, you don’t have any more ass left?</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span>DUDE2: LMFAO!!!</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span>DUDE1: So, do you have that $20 you owe me?</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span>DUDE1: I need that money.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span>DUDE2: TTYL</span></span></span></div>
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This Guyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15932107669312900533noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6296481736816456341.post-88830894432964044952014-11-03T11:13:00.003-08:002014-11-03T11:13:26.052-08:00COMPLAINING ABOUT PAPARAZZI
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;">If you ever find yourself in a position to complain about
paparazzi, do us all a favor and shut it down. If people are constantly
hounding you for a picture it means you have a crap-ton of money. And I’m
not saying money can buy happiness, but that’s exactly what I’m saying. If you
have money you can buy yourself a water slide right off your bed so you can just
roll over, slide down a rad slide and be catapulted into your own private grotto
with a breakfast bar and mermaids who swim around and sing
magical songs. Or, ya know, whatever you’re into. So if I had to pick between
that awesome scenario and nobody ever wanting to take my picture, I’d go for the morning grotto
every time.</span></span></span></div>
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This Guyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15932107669312900533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6296481736816456341.post-77107610159752303382014-10-31T11:48:00.002-07:002014-10-31T11:48:45.176-07:00SAYING "NICE COSTUME" TO SOMEBODY WHO ISN'T WEARING A COSTUME<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I’ve done it, you’ve done it, we’ve all done it. Let’s end this vicious cycle and be better than the “nice costume” gag. Lawrence Eugene Walker was the first man to tell this joke in 1976 at his accounting firm in Omaha, Nebraska. We now refer to this as the joke’s golden age. That first year was duck soup for Lawrence. He delighted coworkers with his first attempt: “Nice costume. Jim Rockford?” Then he took things up a notch with the risky, but hilarious: "Love the getup, Alice. You look more like Dolly Parton than Dolly Parton!” <br /><br />He quickly gained a reputation as a first-class yuckster around the office. Then the divorces came. <br /><br />By 1980, he was all “Nice costume. What are you supposed to be, a goblin?” His joke took on a more sinister edge. The well was tainted by bitter tears, but that didn’t stop him from going back again and again. “Ah, you scared me, Gene. You should be an makeup artist in Hollywood!"<br /><br />Sadly, his love for "grabbing a few beers" turned into full-flown alcoholism. And it affected his comedy. So he turned to cocaine. As a shadow of his former jovial self, the last straw burst into flames. “Nice costume, Terry. What are you a soul-sucking corporate shitbag with a pathetic excuse for a hairpiece?”<br /><br />You see, Terry was his boss. Lawrence packed up his things, drove home, sat down on his couch and, well, the rest of the story is too ghastly even for today.</span></span><br />
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<br />This Guyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15932107669312900533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6296481736816456341.post-41310355256060036562014-10-30T09:33:00.001-07:002014-10-30T09:35:22.729-07:00GOTH CHICKS WHO SAY LIKE A LOT<style>
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</style><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">I dunno, just
like, society sucks, you know what I mean? I can’t wait for the dark lord
master of all things evil to like just take me away from all this boring
suburban bullshit. Why am I even talking to you right now? You’re so totally
clueless and bourgeois it makes me want to gag in my cauldron. Me and my
friends will like rain down hellfire on your corporate ass or whatever. God I
hate my parents. They’re so like ordinary, do you know what I mean? Like, they
don’t even have any passion in life. Oh. My. Godfire. How boring can two people
be? I’m so hella over them. They won’t even let me go see Avenged
Sevenfold. Whatever, like I’d even want to get dropped off in our stupid
minivan death trap. Yeah right. I’d die. Like, seriously, I’d die in that
shitbox. LOL. I can’t even deal. Where are my cloves right now? </span></span><br />
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This Guyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15932107669312900533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6296481736816456341.post-31799649963732513692014-10-28T10:32:00.000-07:002014-10-28T10:51:54.003-07:00PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE TO "PARTY"<style>
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</style><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">Yeah,
that's right. You know what I'm talking about. Wink wink. Yeahhh, let's do some Van Damage. Let's have a 45-minute conversation
about an episode of Vice you just watched. Let’s spend our diaper money so we
can stay up for three days. Let’s invite Mr. Scary over for a Sunday night Shaolin sheet karate sleepover sesh.
Let’s spend 70% of our time chain smoking, 20% pooping and 10% talking about
ex-girlfriends. Let’s close-talk regardless how much our breath smells like a
Newark sewer system. What? No? You’re lame.</span></span><br />
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This Guyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15932107669312900533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6296481736816456341.post-23349034362053112622014-10-27T11:24:00.003-07:002014-10-27T11:26:27.103-07:00SELFIE STICKS<style>
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</style><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;">You know what you
can do with your selfie stick? You can shove it in recycling, that’s what.</span></span></span><br />
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This Guyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15932107669312900533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6296481736816456341.post-70338830662146183912014-10-24T09:49:00.000-07:002014-10-24T09:53:35.360-07:00EBOLA FEAR BACKLASH<style>
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</style><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;">People are
catching all sorts of shit for being freaked out by Ebola, but that stuff ain’t
no joke, folks. You should be freaked out. Things can spiral out of control
faster than Rob Ford in New Jack City. Before you know it, you could be
holed up in some farm doing everything you can to keep your family safe even
though the owner and his hot daughter don’t want you there. Good thing she has
yellow fever and your buddy is Asian or you’d be back wandering that lonely
highway that looks like a Walmart parking lot on Black Friday. Then you find
out a big group of infected people are in the barn. Great, now you gotta deal
with that. Just when you think things couldn’t get any worse, you find out your
best homeboy has slept with your wife. So he has to die. And it’s all affecting
your son who won’t take off this stupid civil war hat he found who-knows-where.
And you’re concerned because he’s turning into a real psycho, but you can’t delve
into that issue because your wife is pissed because you’re pissed about her
sleeping with your BFF. Seems pretty unfair, but that’s just the way things are
in an apocalypse. Shit just has a way of getting real. But at least your hair
looks super-cool when it’s all sweaty and greasy, because who has time to
shampoo, much less condition? Regardless, that won’t put food on the table. And
just when you think things are back on track after you kill your best friend –
who was super annoying anyway – the infected people break out of the barn and
start attacking. Naturally, you have to bone out which sucks because you were
growing some tomatoes and you’d love to see how they turn out, but you always
knew in the back of your head that this was no time for agriculture. So, you
wander through the woods. We’re wandering, we’re wandering, we’re wandering
until, awesome, you get separated from your buddies, including the hillbilly
with a heart of gold and his dope-ass crossbow. The infected could be anywhere
and that dude watched your ass even though you chained his brother to a rooftop
forcing him to cut his own hand off just to get free, so you’re mad paranoid
and your son is still wearing that stupid hat. Finally, by the grace of god,
you find a prison that seems like a relatively good idea. You and the mrs
finally get back to good and recapture the love, but boom, she dies giving
birth and that’s a real bummer until you meet a rad hot black lady with a
samurai sword and there seems to be a little spark there but who has time for
love to blossom when you could have your face eaten off at any moment. Seriously,
it could happen. So, stop being a jerk about my Ebola fear. Just stop.</span></span></span><br />
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</span></span>This Guyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15932107669312900533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6296481736816456341.post-17566374991159393702014-10-23T11:38:00.000-07:002014-10-23T11:47:38.808-07:00TAKING THE SAME PICTURE 50 TIMES IN FRONT OF ME AT A SHOW<style>
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</style><span style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: small;">Listen, bro. I
didn’t pay 7 bucks in ticket fees so I could see my favorite band through the screen
of your dumb smartphone. Just get it as high as you can, tap to focus, fire
away, bring it into instagram, select Amaro, add the hashtag, choose a
location, upload, then head to the bar for a PBR tallboy to celebrate your
victory. It’s not that tough. The shot is not going to get any better the
harder you try. Photos don’t care which song it is. In fact, let’s all
just use this shot and be done with it.</span><br />
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This Guyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15932107669312900533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6296481736816456341.post-78704123418212773612014-10-20T09:57:00.000-07:002014-10-20T09:57:01.408-07:00TOM SHANE
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;">Every time I hear
Tom Shane’s voice on the radio I have Vietnam flashbacks, and I wasn’t even in
Vietnam. I’d rather hear #24 being called at the DMV when I’m holding #346. I’d
rather hear Edward Scissorhands and Freddy Krueger play Hangman on a
chalkboard. I’d rather hear my parents making love. I’d rather hear Drew
Barrymore talk about politics. I’d rather hear my Aunt Gertie talk about
getting Shingles. I’d rather hear a fracker tell me why Obama sucks. I’d rather
hear Russell Crowe sing. I’d rather hear someone in flip-flops step on a rusty
nail. I’d rather hear Tyler Perry pitch me ideas for a Mcdonald’s commercial. I’d
rather hear Rosanne Barr sing the national anthem. I’d rather hear Gilbert
Godfrey read <i>Mountain, Get Out of My Way</i> by Montel Williams. I’d rather hear
Train cover Nickleback songs.</span></span></span></div>
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This Guyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15932107669312900533noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6296481736816456341.post-64782800265511092762014-10-17T10:48:00.000-07:002014-10-17T10:48:44.550-07:00SEGWAY TOURS
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;">I actually can’t
figure out why this bugs me so much. People seem like they’re having a great
time checking out the city, broadening their horizons and utilizing a kick-ass
technology in the process. What’s wrong with that? Why do I want to throw a
stick in their wheel of happiness? Why do I hope one of them gets clotheslined
then poop-bombed by a seagull? What does that say about me? Am I an animal? Am
I a Killjoy Jenkins who can’t stand to see people having righteous goodtimes?
Or am I disappointed about what the segway has become? We thought it was going
to change the world, but it just turned out to change the world for meter maids
and goofball tourists. I think it’s how they look at me as they go whizzing by.
They know how annoying they are. You can tell by the gleeful shame written all
over their faces. Or maybe they just look stupid in those helmets. Yeah, it’s
the helmets. Nah, they’re legally obligated to wear those. No sense suffering
massive head trauma just to avoid annoying me.</span>
<span style="color: black;">Maybe I’m just mad
about how expensive it is. God I want to go on a segway tour so bad.</span></span></span><br />
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This Guyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15932107669312900533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6296481736816456341.post-44725353976174431832014-10-16T09:53:00.001-07:002014-10-16T09:53:38.916-07:00EVERY WIFE ON EVERY SHOW ON HGTV
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I took a crack at what the casting specs must
look like for ladies on shows like House Hunters:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Female, any race, ages 23-45. Looking for
perpetually displeased women who feel like getting a 4 bedroom 2.5 bath is a
god-given right. Must be really into laminate wood flooring, but only if it’s
dark, because light wood is “so 90’s.” Must be between a 6 and 8 because we
wouldn’t want to upstage the hosts, now would we? Bonus points for those
willing to “do some of the work yourself” even though all you’ll do is move a
small plank from the kitchen to the back yard. Pear bottoms are preferred. Applicant’s
default facial expression must look like you’ve just smelled a compost bin in
Mississippi in August. Your chances increase exponentially if you appear to be
constantly on the verge of burning this whole motherfucker down. An underlying
tension between you and your spouse is ideal. We want your overall aura to
oscillate between a smoldering disappointment about having settled and genuine
excitement about starting your first home with your young family. Must be able
to speak freely about how hard it is to raise a kid and how you’re on the fence
about having a second. Must also be comfortable with unleashing poison-tipped
comments about how your significant other just has to have that man-cave for
watching action flicks and football even though everybody knows it’ll just turn
into a masturbatorium with wall-to-wall carpets.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 11.0pt;">And for the men:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Male, any race, ages 23-75. Just looking for some pushovers who look super-uncomfortable on camera. </span></div>
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This Guyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15932107669312900533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6296481736816456341.post-41140532586696832042014-10-15T11:13:00.000-07:002014-10-15T11:19:37.431-07:00REALIZING YOU WEREN'T PAYING ATTENTION WHILE READING<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Unless
you’re immersed in the groundbreaking comedy that is this blog, reading can be
a stone-cold drag. Just saying, the mind tends to drift when you’re forcing
down something like The Corrections by that Snooze King Jonathan Franzen. It’s
just droning on and on about some white dude in NYC who’s bored and has a
shitty family. Everybody has a shitty family, man. Go hit some balls at Chelsea
Piers then catch The Book of Mormon for chrissake. You’re in Manhattan. If
you’re bored there, you suck. At least go chase down a good drunk over at
McSorley’s. But it keeps droning on and on so you start thinking about awesome
stuff, like finally getting bowling lessons or how fucked up zoos are. In fact,
you’re probably thinking about something else right now while you’re reading
this. I get it. No offense taken. I could say anything and it wouldn’t matter.
You smell like my Uncle Pete’s gym socks. See, you have no clue how I just
burned you two ways to Sunday. Nope, you’re too busy thinking about how cool it
would be to have an invisibility cloak backstage at a strip club. In fact, I’m
not even paying attention and I’m writing this shit. What was I talking about?
Oh right, how boring reading is. So, you’re forcing The Corrections down like
cold broccoli because you want your friends to think you’re smart and you start
wondering if cavemen ever laughed at each other’s farts. I feel like it was
such a common occurrence that it never fazed them. Plus, I bet dinosaur meat toots
are so putrid they’re not even funny. Still, it’s great to think about them
sitting around a cave chuckling over a few air biscuits. And then your
realize you have no clue what that last six pages were about, so you have to
pick right back up where the guy is complaining about not being able to write
that novel that everyone’s going to forget. Goodness gracious, just walk out
your door and get a sandwich in Soho or something. That area is sweet.</span></span><br />
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This Guyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15932107669312900533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6296481736816456341.post-42812966419941293992014-10-14T10:50:00.004-07:002014-10-14T10:54:11.977-07:00FOOD ADJECTIVES THAT DESCRIBE NON-FOOD ITEMS<style>
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</style><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">Isn’t he yummy?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">It’s a really juicy novel.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">That skirt is spicy.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">Check out those tasty waves.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">Those breasts are extremely well-seasoned.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">Okay, maybe not that last one.</span><br />
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This Guyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15932107669312900533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6296481736816456341.post-30389399168703998552014-10-10T10:40:00.001-07:002014-10-10T10:42:00.441-07:00CALLING THEM "ATM MACHINES"<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The "M" stands for "Machine." Not a huge deal, but let's keep that in mind when asking people where the AT Machine is.</span></span><br />
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This Guyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15932107669312900533noreply@blogger.com0