Friday, October 24, 2014


People are catching all sorts of shit for being freaked out by Ebola, but that stuff ain’t no joke, folks. You should be freaked out. Things can spiral out of control faster than Rob Ford in New Jack City. Before you know it, you could be holed up in some farm doing everything you can to keep your family safe even though the owner and his hot daughter don’t want you there. Good thing she has yellow fever and your buddy is Asian or you’d be back wandering that lonely highway that looks like a Walmart parking lot on Black Friday. Then you find out a big group of infected people are in the barn. Great, now you gotta deal with that. Just when you think things couldn’t get any worse, you find out your best homeboy has slept with your wife. So he has to die. And it’s all affecting your son who won’t take off this stupid civil war hat he found who-knows-where. And you’re concerned because he’s turning into a real psycho, but you can’t delve into that issue because your wife is pissed because you’re pissed about her sleeping with your BFF. Seems pretty unfair, but that’s just the way things are in an apocalypse. Shit just has a way of getting real. But at least your hair looks super-cool when it’s all sweaty and greasy, because who has time to shampoo, much less condition? Regardless, that won’t put food on the table. And just when you think things are back on track after you kill your best friend – who was super annoying anyway – the infected people break out of the barn and start attacking. Naturally, you have to bone out which sucks because you were growing some tomatoes and you’d love to see how they turn out, but you always knew in the back of your head that this was no time for agriculture. So, you wander through the woods. We’re wandering, we’re wandering, we’re wandering until, awesome, you get separated from your buddies, including the hillbilly with a heart of gold and his dope-ass crossbow. The infected could be anywhere and that dude watched your ass even though you chained his brother to a rooftop forcing him to cut his own hand off just to get free, so you’re mad paranoid and your son is still wearing that stupid hat. Finally, by the grace of god, you find a prison that seems like a relatively good idea. You and the mrs finally get back to good and recapture the love, but boom, she dies giving birth and that’s a real bummer until you meet a rad hot black lady with a samurai sword and there seems to be a little spark there but who has time for love to blossom when you could have your face eaten off at any moment. Seriously, it could happen. So, stop being a jerk about my Ebola fear. Just stop.

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