Thursday, June 30, 2011
Who the hell do some kids think they are? Not one kid in history has come even remotely close to earning this magnificent privilege. I know what you’re thinking–Webster–and you’re absolutely correct I forget about Webster. That's my bad. Besides Webster, no kid has done what it takes to rock a sweet, personalized identifier on their bike. And the ones that do have the balls, nay, the audacity to try to pull it off aren't even creative. It's always something super self-indulgent like “Kenneth” or “Amy” or “Dave.” I’m sorry Kenneth, when was it that you were knocking out 100-hour workweeks on Wall Street again? Oh that’s right, NEVER. I didn’t know you were a doctor, Amy. What med school did you go to? One that teaches you how to make crappy art with uncooked pasta and pennies? Never heard of that one. Where’d you do your residency? St. Bieber? Get out of my face. Let me throw a little hypothetical at you, Dr. Amy. My Gam Gam and I are walking down the street when she feels a little pain in her chest. She falls to the ground and you roll by in your little pink Dora the Explorer bike. Thank god, I think to myself, a vanity plate. I run over and ask you to save my sweet Nana and what do you do? You just stare at me like a dumbutt while MeeMaw dies before she’s gotten a chance to tell grandpa she’s been sleeping with the pool man for the past 40 years. So, not only do you kill Bubbe, you send her to hell. Awesome. Thanks. Listen, do us all a favor and lose the pretense until you’ve earned it. That’s all I’m saying. I don't think many of these plates are even registered with their local governments, but let's not get into that.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Sure it’s easy to say you hate dentists. Nobody likes them. They drill holes in your teeth. They’re total assholes. But mine is a particular type of asshole and let me tell you why. Because he doesn’t speak to me. Instead, he relays information by talking to his hygienist, Margaret, while I’m in the room. “Looks like this fella hasn't been flossing as much as we asked him to, hey Margaret? I think he may have lost that floss we gave him. Hmmm, you'd think he’d want to keep his teeth his whole life. Sure would look pretty silly without them.” Margaret nods her head and says stuff like “looks that way,” but I don’t blame her. She’s just trying to earn a paycheck. I think she hates him too. All I can do is focus on the wise advice from the cat hanging from the tree limb in the poster on the ceiling and hang in there.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
1. Praise in public. Chastise in private.
Good bosses know that praising and encouraging staff members is the key to creating a positive work atmosphere. If a correction needs to be made, it's never a good idea to call someone out in front of the group. Well, this one day I decided to play a goof on my coworker Donald. I gave him an epic atomic wedgie and made him think I was gonna dip his nards in the deep fryer. My boss saw me and completely freaked out right in front of my fellow employees! It's not like any customers saw me so I told him to chillax. I mean, earlier that week I refilled the napkins without even being asked to. Did I get so much as a thank you or a raise? Hell no.
2. Always make team spirit a priority.
In any organization, maintaining good team spirit is critical for better overall employee performance. Everybody knows that. So, during the Monday morning staff meeting I suggested we all take our clothes off and hit this righteous bag of peyote I had. My boss instantly shut me down in a very loud and hurtful manner. See point #1.
3. Share experiences and insights.
Sharing personal anecdotes can be an effective way for a boss to teach valuable lessons in a non-confrontational way. My boss told me about how this one time he ran out of cat food for his ten cats. And there was a blizzard outside, so he killed one of his cats and fed it to the other cats. He said sometimes you need to think on your feet and kill a cat to save nine cats. I'm just kidding, he didn't say any of that, but how awesome would that be if he did! I'm sure he does have a butt-load of cats, though.
4. Be open-minded and an effective listener.
Someone in the team may come up with a new and different way of looking at a problem. For instance, my boss told me to go mop the bathroom and I told him to shove the mop up his ass. Obviously, he doesn't have a very open mind about the best thing to do with the mop.
5. Don't play favorites.
It's obvious to all of us that Dale is the golden child. My boss makes very little effort to hide that fact. He got moved to the register in like two weeks and I don't remember the last time he scrubbed a toilet. Becky told me they went bowling together! Did I get an invite? No. Why don't they just go marry each other or something. Whatever. Like I care. Those guys are losers. I hope they both get herpes.
Game. Set. And match.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Is it just me or is Kevin Jonas really phoning it in these days? This hurts to say, but he seems more concerned with collecting checks and walking down red carpets than being the true musical craftsman he was born to be. No one expects him to return to such heights as Mandy from the Zoey 101: Spring Break-Up soundtrack. Nor can we hope for a duplication of the vortex-bending riffs found on DisneyMania 4’s Yo Ho (A Pirates Life For Me), but we at least deserve to know he’s trying. Perhaps the rumor mill is right. Perhaps he’s no longer interested in pushing himself creatively.
Until this recent period of uncertainty, Kevin had never been one to shy away from austerity (the poignant Lovebug, the retro-futuristic Year 3000 and the provocative masterworks of Camp Rock2: The Final Jam). These classics provided a much-needed counterbalance to more raucous rave-ups like Set This Party Off and That’s Just The Way We Roll. Whereas 2008’s Burnin’ Up exuded the playful existentialism that planted roots in our collective unconscious, their most recent effort – LA Baby (Where Dreams Are Made) – lacks the compositional tension between innocence and impudence that has always distinguished The Jonas Brothers from their rock counterparts.
And I blame Kevin.
Pitch-perfect Nick Jonas remains at the top of his game and Joe hasn’t skipped a beat with his consistently ferocious and always uncompromising percussive attack. So, the question remains. Where is Kevin and when is he coming back? Maybe the answer lies in the second verse of Year 3000:
He took me to the future in the flux thing, and I saw everything
Boy bands, and another one and another one...and another one!
And girls there with blonde hair, like in Star Wars, they floated up on the floor.
Well, Kevin. The world is waiting for you to float again. Just like in Star Wars.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
I want Jim Grey to lie down on my lawn so I can run him over with a dull push mower. Who is more to blame for this world-class abomination in a skinsuit, the man himself or his boss for putting him in front of the camera all these years? Neither. His mother is to blame. She did not provide the necessary love and positive reinforcement required to raise a stable and kind individual. She was a very bad mother. For those who don’t know who Jim Grey is, he's that jackhole who always interviews the losing team after big games like the Superbowl. He’s amazingly astute at squeezing all the sadness he can out of his target. He has evil, wee-beady eyes and a hateful voice. If my computer weren’t running out of juice I’d track down his top five most uncomfortable interviews. Too bad, but shame on you Jim Grey. And shame on you, Jim Grey’s mother.
Monday, June 20, 2011
I don’t want to be stupid, I love great deals and I have a friend who suffers from that particular ailment. It wouldn’t be for me. The candy is dandy down there if you catch my drift and I think you do. Needless to say, I wanted to believe in this young go-getter from Bloomington, Illinois or wherever she’s from. Sure, she’s not great with spelling or punctuation, but she had spunk. And sometimes that’s all that matters. But the more I think about it, the more I’m convinced she’s just a common web grifter looking to turn a quick buck. I don’t think I’m going to give this one a shot. That link she sent will have to go unclicked. As the saying goes, fool me six times…
Friday, June 17, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
You best be going somewhere on a plane if there’s a bag rolling behind you, that’s all I’m saying. Actually, that’s not all I’m saying. I’m a big fan of laziness, but this is taking it too far. Strap that thing on your shoulder and get your ass to that meeting. You have a carefully thought-out and flawlessly executed PowerPoint presentation to walk people through. This is the Mt. Everest of laziness. If laziness were a no-nonsense, chain-smoking xenobotanist with a heart of gold, rolling computer bags would be Dr. Grace Augustine. If laziness were quintessential jazz recordings, they would be A Love Supreme by John Coltrane. If laziness were gratuitous jazz references, they would be that last sentence. If laziness were amazing analogists, rolling computer bags would be me. Just because you have hot legs and know a magic pathway into the sea of love is no excuse. Stop being a douche-bag. Wait, that’s it. The rolling computer bag is literally a douche-bag. Perfect. Pass it on.