SMARTPHONE EMAIL SIGNATURES THAT APOLOGIZE FOR TYPOS

Mobile 3.0 technology interfaces are an inescapable reality in today's QWERTY-driven environment. Even though I have no idea what I just said, the fact remains that you should be able to type proficiently on your phone. If you need to put your chubby little digits through a little hand P-90X, get it done. Here are a few suggestions for better, more impactful signatures: 

Sent from your closet

Sent from my mobile porn unit

Sent from your mom’s boudoir

Sent from my vibrator

Sent from the middle stall

Sent from a coffin

Sent from an intensive care unit

Sent from my underpants 

JOINT COUPLE EMAIL ADDRESSES

Why not just get joint underpants while you're at it? I'm not saying you need to keep secrets, but sometimes you need to keep secrets, you know what I'm saying? Email systems should be required to issue warnings when they sense these addresses: We have detected a joint couple address, are you sure you want to send? If you hit yes it should send you another one that says: Are you absolutely sure? Why are you even friends with these people? Then it should wait a day and send you another one that simply says: Seriously, dude? Why even have an email address at that point? It’s tough to catch up on correspondence when you’re constantly locked in a loving gaze with your significant other. You’re not going to be checking out Uncle Steve’s beautiful pictures of Alaska when you have all the Eskimo kisses you can handle right in front of you. It’s a free country, so do what you want, but I’m just saying it’s the first step on a long path leading to the applying of preparation-H onto one another’s underbums.