WAVING YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

Why don’t you care? That’s messed up. Do you have any idea how much shit is going on in the world right now? Let’s start with ISIS. Those Arabian ninjas will chop your head off just for eating chicken wings at Hooters. Also, is it ISIS or ISIL? Aren’t you even a little bit concerned that we can’t align on a name, Mr. Wavy Hands? The Cobra Commander has his taser on kill mode and you’re just heyin’ and hoin’ like a wet t-shirt contestant in Daytona Beach. You’re probably on ecstasy right now, aren’t you? And don’t get me started on climate change. Too late, you already did, Jo Jo Dancer. Did you know that since 1996, Bark Beetles have decimated an area roughly the size of Washington State because it hasn’t been cold enough to kill them off? Oh and California is on fire, but since it’s not a roof you don’t give a shit. While you and Lindsey Graham are busy doing The Watusi planet earth is going to hell in a handbasket. And what about Meg Ryan? She used to be America’s sweetheart, but now she looks like Michael Jackson. What’s going on with her psychologically? Aren’t you worried about that or is it all about getting turnt with you? This is some serious crapola and you are not a Laker Girl. Get your priorities straight for crying out loud.

PLASTIC SURGERY

My main beef with plastic surgery is that there isn’t enough of it. I want to see an entire race of peoplecats take over the planet. Catlandia, as it will henceforth be called, will be ruled with an iron fist by the sinister Diane Cannon. This will lead to a period of deep oppression stemming from her ban on any new procedures in order to galvanize her position as the most stunning feline beauty in all the realm. Such despair will give rise to an underground revolution led by the brave thundercat Meg Ryan and her dangerously witty sidekick, Carrot Top. Michael Jackson will come back from the dead to declare his love to the man-jaguar Bruce Jenner. Their deep love will inspire Meg “Cheetah-Che” Ryan to challenge Queen Cannon in a no-holds-barred cage match to the death. Cheetah-Che will emerge victorious, helping foster decades of peaceful peoplecat existence. That is until her daughter, the bubbly bobcat Heidi Montag, turns to the dark side and threatens to destroy everything we’ve worked for.