Tuesday, July 12, 2011


Whilst moving unnoticed in rural outcroppings, the quasi-mythical Wide Walker may be spoken of in the same breath as the Front Fannypacker or Speedlane Clogger. These creatures have an innate knack for commandeering an entire sidewalk no matter how large it may be. Powerful instincts draw them to any side the passer attempts, as if guided by an internal magnet. Acute psychological skills have developed over centuries to make others believe they roam completely unaware of their powers of frustration. Upon being snapped at, one of their more devious methods of trickery is to make bustling young urbanites feel super-guilty. The most skilled Wide Walkers do not need a large body mass to be effective. However, many of them do thanks in part to The Olive Garden's liberal endless breadstick policy. They are at their most insidious during rush hour when their enemies are required to be swift and direct. Police are always on the lookout for instances of sidewalk rage, so do your best to avoid them at all costs.

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