attched

Recently, I received a work email from someone who wanted to include an attachment. Attachments are generally a prepared document that goes a little more in depth than what can be included in the body of an email. Often, someone will give you a little note as a precursor to the attachment. Often, these notes will be quick and to the point so you can get right to the meat of the correspondence. And diligent coworkers don’t want you to miss the attachment, so they’ll give you a little heads up. I’m all for moving at the speed of business and I’m also a fan of laziness, but just putting “attched” isn’t cutting the mustard on either piece of bread. I mean, you just left out one letter. “Attchd” would be annoying, yes, but at least there’s a little effort involved in that sort of laziness. Hey, who has time for vowels when you’re busy as shit? I get it. Or maybe if it was a buddy sending me a particularly spicy picture that he had to zing off before someone sees, circa 1998, I might understand. Let’s not email the same way 12-year-old girls text. How do I know how 12-year-old girls text? Mind your business and let’s stay on topic. General rule from here on out: we don’t need to give a heads up when something is attached. If they don’t see it, they suck anyway. Unless it’s a spicy photo. Then you can say whatever you like. 

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I'm not even sure why I signed up. I just got the sinking suspicion that if I didn't I'd dissolve into a cavernous ether of professional nothingness, leaving me awash in a deep and lasting loneliness. No matter how much I'd try to scratch and claw my way out I'd be permanently stuck in of the oily muck of human desperation. My futile attempts at career connections would disintegrate into an ashy pile as my wretched and rotten soul would be set adrift in a sadness so intense all it could do is curl up in a ball and pray for a return to the womb. Merry Christmas.