EVERY WIFE ON EVERY SHOW ON HGTV

I took a crack at what the casting specs must look like for ladies on shows like House Hunters:

Female, any race, ages 23-45. Looking for perpetually displeased women who feel like getting a 4 bedroom 2.5 bath is a god-given right. Must be really into laminate wood flooring, but only if it’s dark, because light wood is “so 90’s.” Must be between a 6 and 8 because we wouldn’t want to upstage the hosts, now would we? Bonus points for those willing to “do some of the work yourself” even though all you’ll do is move a small plank from the kitchen to the back yard. Pear bottoms are preferred. Applicant’s default facial expression must look like you’ve just smelled a compost bin in Mississippi in August. Your chances increase exponentially if you appear to be constantly on the verge of burning this whole motherfucker down. An underlying tension between you and your spouse is ideal. We want your overall aura to oscillate between a smoldering disappointment about having settled and genuine excitement about starting your first home with your young family. Must be able to speak freely about how hard it is to raise a kid and how you’re on the fence about having a second. Must also be comfortable with unleashing poison-tipped comments about how your significant other just has to have that man-cave for watching action flicks and football even though everybody knows it’ll just turn into a masturbatorium with wall-to-wall carpets.

And for the men:

Male, any race, ages 23-75. Just looking for some pushovers who look super-uncomfortable on camera. 

TELLING ME YOU DON’T OWN A TV

Do people decide not to own a TV because they hate TV or because they love telling people they don’t have a TV? Don’t scratch your head for too long, because like most philosophical questions, I happen to know the answer. They relish any opportunity to raise their eyebrows and say, “Oh, I don’t have a TV.” It allows them that tone, that tone that says so much more than words ever could. It says, “listen dumbass, I didn’t see the werewolf bite off the skier’s head because I was at the library researching my next trip to the Galápagos Islands. I didn’t see when Nash Bridges almost slept with his cousin because I was perfecting my bouillabaisse. No, I happened to miss Jeff and Zoila’s fight about the guacamole at El Pollo Loco because I was teaching Pilates. I, unlike you, have more important things to do that actually matter to the world and to my own personal growth.” And you know what, they’re right. Good for them. But drop the tone. All you need to say is, “ha, no I didn’t see that, but it sounds like a hoot.” Then pat me on the head and move on with your awesomely productive day.