Friday, October 27, 2017


This sweatshirt is $188. 

Take a moment with that information. A sweatshirt. $188. That’s 28 Chipotle burritos. It’s 83.5 off-peak bus trips, not that you’d want to take the bus, because gross, but you get what I’m saying. If you had a dollar, you'd need 187 more to purchase that sweatshirt. It's a shirt that you get so you can sweat in it. If you buy it, you’re gonna need it because you’ll be sweating the gas bill so hard. Ha, nailed it. Check out this sweet puppy you can get at the ‘mart:

Boom, mothereffers! $5.96. It was $6.94, but the folks at the ‘mart, were like, naaaa, too high, lower it. Okay, how about $6.49? Goddamnit, Lawrence, I said lower it. If you bought a sweatshirt for $188 I want you to put it on, get in front of a mirror, take a deep breath, and whisper these words: “You suck, bro.” Then I want you to take the sweatshirt off and give yourself a titty twister until you have enough tears to fill a shot glass. Then I want you to do a shot of your own shame tears. Do these things and I will allow you to continue wearing the sweatshirt you bought for $188. 

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