Friday, April 17, 2015

ROBERT DURST

It’s been a while since The Jinx finale aired and I, for one, still have a blazing case of the heebie-jeebies. It was some of the craziest shit I’ve ever seen on television, and this is coming from a guy who watched every episode of Temptation Island. Perhaps a quick exploration of some key learnings from the show might help quiet the voices.

Don’t agree to do a documentary if you’ve killed three people.
This is page two of The Psychopath’s Handbook, right after “wear gloves.” Documentaries have gotten really adept at getting to the bottom of stuff. I mean, have you seen Super Size Me? If you eat Mickey D’s for a month straight, you’ll uhhh…get mild liver damage, okay bad example. Listen, if you’re a racist owner of big-market basketball team, don’t have a black girlfriend with above average audio recording skills. If you’re a psycho killer, don’t invite a film crew in to hear your story. It’s bottom line stuff, people.

Don’t steal a hoagie when you’re on the lam.
Sure, you’re feeling invincible because you’ve pulled off the unthinkable, but this is no time for petty crimes. Looking for a quick thrill? Drink expired milk or do that Mentos/Coke thing.

Don’t shave your eyebrows when you’re trying to steal a hoagie.
I like where his head was at with the drawing attention away from the fact that you’re putting a hoagie in your pocket, but it’s a flawed strategy. Remember the three rules of hoagie-stealing my father instilled in me: blend in, blend in and blend in. I guess I just had a better father than Seymour Durst.

Have a better father than Seymour Durst.
‘Nough said.

Don’t eat grocery store hoagies.
What are you, an animal? Eat Fresh or hit up a Jimmy Johns. I recommend a #3 with extra cucumbers.

When scoping your brother for a possible 1-8-7, don’t go in all willy-nilly.
The dude owns half of Manhattan; you think he isn’t going to have a few surveillance cameras? What did you think was going to happen? You’d just shuffle up the stoop, see him through the window snorting caviar, open the unlocked door and just do that voodoo that you do? Is that backpack even big enough to carry a bow saw? Think it through, guy. And please don’t tell me that’s your kill suit - a short-sleeve button-up tucked into jean shorts, white tubers and some Skechers? You might as well be sporting a front-facing fanny pack. Now this is a kill suit:


When you’re a psycho, binge-watch Dexter.
But skip the finale. That was just ridiculous and not-at-all informative for your endeavors.

Never trust a dude who constantly refers to himself by his last name.
“Hey, Bob, Jarecki here” should’ve translated to “Hey Bob, I’m going to win an Emmy exposing you for the die-hard whack job that you really are.

Keep a lid on it until the lavalier mic has been properly removed by a professional.
I’m calling this The Biden Rule.

Don’t start burping uncontrollably when you’ve been caught red-handed.
I don’t play much poker, but I believe this would be referred to as a “tell.” I actually thought he was going to turn into a frog and try to hop away. Instead of burping, just say “classic frame job” over and over again until they move on.

Don’t kill three people.
Probably the most important takeaway of entire show. One, you’re an amateur. Three, you’re a sociopath. Two is the perfect amount of people to kill. Holy crap, you’ve turned me into a monster, Bobby Durst. 


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