Too bad sportswriters never rank players, because I would finally
get my comeuppance as one of the top five basketballateers of all-time. I can
run fast, jump like the dickens and score easier than Lou Ferrigno at Comic Con.
Here are my three biggest weapons: sky hook, sky hook, sky hook. Are you crying
because you just got served? Or are those tears of joy because getting served
inspires you? Either way, you just got served like a vegan at Coachella. Pick
your poison, Johnny Shortpants, because I’m gunning for you. And I don’t even
use holsters. When they say “Ball Don’t Lie” they’re talking about me because
I’m the truth. I’m dishing out a serum that’ll make you go cross-eyed faster
than Bill Clinton at a U.S. Open Women’s Doubles Final. My game is tighter than
Philippe Petit’s butthole in 1974. I can dribble with my left hand. I can
dribble with my right hand. I can dribble with both hands and the ref wouldn’t
even call it because he or she would be too scared. That’s right they have
female refs now. And one of them gave me her number, but all I did was text her
my junk because my game is just that nasty. You better strap on your jock,
because I dribble balls for a living. The triple threat position? That’s for
losers with championship rings in the single digits. I administer the quadruple
threat with extreme prejudice. But not in the racial sense because I voted for
Barack. Twice. Even though his jumper is wack. What’s the fourth threat?
Wouldn’t you like to know? It’s the death stare. Whoops, I let that slip. Just
like when I slip on shoes and sky hook over you like Brad Pitt in A River Runs
Through It. Damn right that doesn’t make sense because neither does my game. Speaking
of shoes, it offends my inner-baller that the Nike Corporation has failed to
endorse me. I wouldn’t sign anyway because they make basketball shoes for
offcourt. Ball ain’t for hallways or Sadie Hawkins dances. And it certainly
ain’t for video arcades or Home Depots. It’s for places like Rucker Park, Venice
Beach, Madison Square Garden and my cul de sac. That’s where I got my first greenlight
to dazzle. And this hot rod is ready to peel out once again.
... ibasketballshoes.blogspot.com
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