I took a crack at what the casting specs must
look like for ladies on shows like House Hunters:
Female, any race, ages 23-45. Looking for
perpetually displeased women who feel like getting a 4 bedroom 2.5 bath is a
god-given right. Must be really into laminate wood flooring, but only if it’s
dark, because light wood is “so 90’s.” Must be between a 6 and 8 because we
wouldn’t want to upstage the hosts, now would we? Bonus points for those
willing to “do some of the work yourself” even though all you’ll do is move a
small plank from the kitchen to the back yard. Pear bottoms are preferred. Applicant’s
default facial expression must look like you’ve just smelled a compost bin in
Mississippi in August. Your chances increase exponentially if you appear to be
constantly on the verge of burning this whole motherfucker down. An underlying
tension between you and your spouse is ideal. We want your overall aura to
oscillate between a smoldering disappointment about having settled and genuine
excitement about starting your first home with your young family. Must be able
to speak freely about how hard it is to raise a kid and how you’re on the fence
about having a second. Must also be comfortable with unleashing poison-tipped
comments about how your significant other just has to have that man-cave for
watching action flicks and football even though everybody knows it’ll just turn
into a masturbatorium with wall-to-wall carpets.
And for the men:
Male, any race, ages 23-75. Just looking for some pushovers who look super-uncomfortable on camera.
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