My Boss

Here's a breakdown of what makes for a good boss and why mine fails on every single point:

1. Praise in public. Chastise in private.
Good bosses know that praising and encouraging staff members is the key to creating a positive work atmosphere. If a correction needs to be made, it's never a good idea to call someone out in front of the group. Well, this one day I decided to play a goof on my coworker Donald. I gave him an epic atomic wedgie and made him think I was gonna dip his nards in the deep fryer. My boss saw me and completely freaked out right in front of my fellow employees! It's not like any customers saw me so I told him to chillax. I mean, earlier that week I refilled the napkins without even being asked to. Did I get so much as a thank you or a raise? Hell no.

2. Always make team spirit a priority.
In any organization, maintaining good team spirit is critical for better overall employee performance. Everybody knows that. So, during the Monday morning staff meeting I suggested we all take our clothes off and hit this righteous bag of peyote I had. My boss instantly shut me down in a very loud and hurtful manner. See point #1.

3. Share experiences and insights.
Sharing personal anecdotes can be an effective way for a boss to teach valuable lessons in a non-confrontational way. My boss told me about how this one time he ran out of cat food for his ten cats. And there was a blizzard outside, so he killed one of his cats and fed it to the other cats. He said sometimes you need to think on your feet and kill a cat to save nine cats. I'm just kidding, he didn't say any of that, but how awesome would that be if he did! I'm sure he does have a butt-load of cats, though.

4. Be open-minded and an effective listener.
Someone in the team may come up with a new and different way of looking at a problem. For instance, my boss told me to go mop the bathroom and I told him to shove the mop up his ass. Obviously, he doesn't have a very open mind about the best thing to do with the mop.

5. Don't play favorites.
It's obvious to all of us that Dale is the golden child. My boss makes very little effort to hide that fact. He got moved to the register in like two weeks and I don't remember the last time he scrubbed a toilet. Becky told me they went bowling together! Did I get an invite? No. Why don't they just go marry each other or something. Whatever. Like I care. Those guys are losers. I hope they both get herpes.

Game. Set. And match.