SHIRTS THAT TELL ME THERE IS NO OFF-SEASON

There is in fact an off-season, in every sport. In Major League Baseball, it goes from November to February depending on how far you go in the playoffs. In football, it starts right after Labor Day and ends sometime in December or January. Basketball and hockey – May through September. It’s a time to stop cheating on your wives and spend a couple hours a day watching your maids play with your kids. A time to catch up on your reading of comic books and positive articles about yourself. It’s your chance to get talked into purchasing the car dealership that will eventually bankrupt you. It’s months and months of nonstop pinball next to that stripper pole you had installed in your house. It’s heading down to the Keys with your teammates for some deep sea fishing by day and wife cheating by night. So, when you see someone with a “There is No Off-season” shirt, remind them to kick back and take it easy. You can't crush it 24/7/365. Then ask them why they tore the sleeves off. Those were probably perfectly good sleeves.

WEARING YOUR MITT TO A BIG LEAGUE GAME IF YOU’RE OVER 13

When you begin to grow hair around and sometimes on your schmekel you have a certain responsibility not to act like a boob. Many parents don’t teach that important rule. Tweenagers should be told to wear a glove in the bedroom and not at the ballpark. It’s responsible parenting 101. There is no greater feeling than holding a full beer in one hand and a home run in the other. Your bareback catch will make kids see you as a superhero and grownups admire your commitment to keeping every drop of the liquid gold in your cup. The $8 price tag on that Coors Light will give you that much more incentive. Even the ballplayers will take a timeout from roid-rage to toss you a respectful head nod. Heck, it could even land you on Sportscenter, especially if you catch the ball right in front of a kid’s face. But don’t try for that move. There’s too much downside in a failed attempt.